Hendersonville Standard
HENDERSONVILLE WEATHER

Dear Santa: Define “Good”




“Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus.” ~ Francis Pharcellus Church, the New York Sun editor who answered 8-year-old Virginia O’Hanlon’s famous 1897 letter asking “Is there a Santa Claus”?

(These excerpts from “The Lawyers’ Version” of a famous Christmas poem were passed on to me from an anonymous Elf who still prefers “legalese.”)

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter “the House”) a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to, a mouse. A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter “Claus”) would arrive at sometime thereafter. Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e., the exterior lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter the “Vehicle”) being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer.

The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus, who specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donder, and Blitzen (hereinafter the “Deer”). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named Rudolph may have been involved.) Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney. Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stockings of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with small “gifts,” deemed exempt from the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code. Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as “lookouts.”

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!” Or words to that effect.

James B. (Jim) Hawkins is a Tennessee general practice and public interest law attorney. This column usually presents legal information, but today is an exception. Readers are advised that the 4th Amendment’s protections against unlawful searches do not extend to Santa, who knows whether and when one has been naughty or nice. As always, column ideas may be submitted to (615) 452-9200.

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